Which character can you relate to more right now on a visceral level in the above picture – the one on the left or right? Ok, keep that in mind as you read this article.
Like most people, I have related to both characters throughout my personal and professional life, even though I’ve been a professional Executive Coach for 25 years. A recovering “fixer,” I work hard to be and feel (to myself and others) like the Coach on the right. I make a conscious, committed, daily effort.
Quick Backstory: I am a middle child and girl in a family with 4 children. A natural “connector” and “helper,” I spent a lot of my childhood and adult life brokering greater openness in communication, honesty and understanding, and individual and team development in my own and others’ personal and professional relationships. I got a master’s degree in education, and worked as a runaway shelter counselor, elementary school teacher, and high school instructor for unwed mothers. I worked as a leadership development/OD professional in Boston organizations for 17 years. In my efforts to help others, I sometimes went overboard and worked harder at helping them than they did themselves. In those instances, I ended up feeling like the exhausted (and frustrated) Hero in the above image.
Then I decided to become a professional executive coach, and through coach training, clarified what coaching optimally is for the coach and those they want to help.
In summary, a Coach is someone who:
- Builds trust and shows a sincere caring for and commitment to the individual and their situation/context.
- Encourages an individual’s self-awareness, insight, ownership, goal setting and development.
- Provides questions, support, knowledge, tools, and practice opportunities to improve their personal and professional performance and satisfaction through increased skill, leadership, and problem-solving capability.
I learned that I had to make an important shift from sometimes showing up as a “Hero” to consistently showing up as a “Coach” as defined above. I believe this lesson can apply to and help all of us in our professional and personal relationships.
Here are some tips to help you make the big shift from “Hero” to “Coach” in work and life:
Shift from “Circle of Control” to “Circle of Influence”
Stop overfocusing on what you think you can directly control or impact through your thoughts, actions, and words. Focus on influencing what you truly can control.
- Believe that people are “naturally creative, resourceful, and whole,” and that your job is to support and encourage them to perform and develop.
- Ask yourself: Is this mine to fix? Why am I taking on more control than I should? What am I intentionally and unintentionally reinforcing? How should I influence instead?
- Adopt Mel Robbins’ “Let Them/Let Me Theory.” Let them take responsibility for what they have control over, and let me take responsibility for what I have control over.
- Teach them to fish even if you have to swim upstream to do so (within yourself, with others, and within the system).
- Don’t gobble up other people’s “Circles of Control.”
- Shrink your own “Circle of Control” to match reality, develop others’, and increase their capability.
Shift from Fixing to Skill Building
Let go of the adrenaline rush of being the “fixer.” Help yourself, others, and the system increase awareness, ownership, and capability, especially in these three areas:
- From Problem-Solver → Facilitator: Consciously and consistently facilitate others owning and solving their own problems.
- From Advisor → Active Listener: Ask open-ended questions, acknowledge, affirm, paraphrase, summarize, empathize to help you and others better understand the situation, each other’s needs, and the most beneficial actions to take.
- From Referee → Conflict Management Guide: Provide frameworks, books, tools, training, and assessments that increase everyone’s ability to develop and apply the above skills and their ability to constructively deal with conflict.
By making the above shifts, you will increase your and others’ capacity to coach and create a learning culture in your organization.
What are some shift actions you will take to increase your own, others’, and your organization’s capability and sustainability?
I’d love to hear your comments as I continue my journey. It’s a fruitful and abundant path. So, from one coach to another, “Go Team!”
